When God takes the blinders off and you step back and view your world in truth and honesty. In the light off God. There is so much bull crap to be sorted through you almost dont know where to begin. All the brokeness and ashes. How could beauty ever rise up out of this mess that filth and torment has left in its path. Some things are easy to discard and throw aside.... to forget and forgive. Others, well those people and events they leave scars. Most of the scars superficial, time heals those and eventually they fade, but those ones that are deep and maybe festered by bitterness, unforgivness, and mostly confusion those...those change us forever and we see them ever time we look in the mirror and thats all we can see. Its so heart breaking to know how beautiful we once were how innocent. Our choices our situations our unforgivable past. How could we ever be beautiful again?
Beacause God so LOVED me.......
That He never left me nor forsaked me, He just loved me thru it all and when I fell into my Daddys arms He held me close and whispered his promises to me while He applied His healing balm of grace, mercy, and forgivness to my wounds. So that today I stand before Him and the world a beautiful and dignified woman thats not held back by shame and guilt but an overcomer by His blood and my scars.
Thank you God for never giving up on me and leaving me to the ugliness of my scars. That all things work for Your good and for always giving me the strength to endure.....come what may.
Thursday, March 1, 2012
Wednesday, February 29, 2012
Admist The Storm
Amidst the storm comes the blessings.......
My life has been a living hell the last two weeks. If the emotion exists I have been through it. Everything came to a head last night. I got very quiet yesterday during the day while dealing with the insanity I call a marriage at the moment, fear, frustration, anger, and every other life threatening emotion the human mind can take before literally snapping. I was going to explode. Being quiet was becoming less of an option. And I was desperately searching for the hand of God to grab a hold of before I was lost to the abyss of depression and bitterness. The anger started to whel up inside me and I knew if I didn't get to God I was going to lash out and have repercussions. I always do.
Then God showed up just as I was about to loose hope he reached out his hand pulled me safely into his lap and hid me away beneath the strength of His arms. He gave me rest quieted my mind and I found His peace. I rose with understanding, rejuvenation, and ready for another days battle. Its not my strength but his that will endure me to the end. This is my road to walk out to a destiny beyond my ability. But that's why its all about Him. He is such a beautiful and gracious God.
I know now that unless my husband must search out Gods face diligently to find me and my children that make his family. What completes his dreams is resting and patiently waiting in Gods hands. I know tho that no matter what my earthly husband chooses, my heavenly Father will continue to hold the children and myself in Hands, always watching over us as doeting Father does.
All seemed lost yesterday until I gave it all to my Daddy and simply rested in Him. Today.... Well its a new day, Come What May.
My life has been a living hell the last two weeks. If the emotion exists I have been through it. Everything came to a head last night. I got very quiet yesterday during the day while dealing with the insanity I call a marriage at the moment, fear, frustration, anger, and every other life threatening emotion the human mind can take before literally snapping. I was going to explode. Being quiet was becoming less of an option. And I was desperately searching for the hand of God to grab a hold of before I was lost to the abyss of depression and bitterness. The anger started to whel up inside me and I knew if I didn't get to God I was going to lash out and have repercussions. I always do.
Then God showed up just as I was about to loose hope he reached out his hand pulled me safely into his lap and hid me away beneath the strength of His arms. He gave me rest quieted my mind and I found His peace. I rose with understanding, rejuvenation, and ready for another days battle. Its not my strength but his that will endure me to the end. This is my road to walk out to a destiny beyond my ability. But that's why its all about Him. He is such a beautiful and gracious God.
I know now that unless my husband must search out Gods face diligently to find me and my children that make his family. What completes his dreams is resting and patiently waiting in Gods hands. I know tho that no matter what my earthly husband chooses, my heavenly Father will continue to hold the children and myself in Hands, always watching over us as doeting Father does.
All seemed lost yesterday until I gave it all to my Daddy and simply rested in Him. Today.... Well its a new day, Come What May.
Friday, February 24, 2012
Blame Game
I grow so tired of people passing blame.
Has society grown so narcissistic that we have lost the ability to look at ourselves with the slightest bit of honesty?
Its time to wake up, grow up, and start accepting responsibility for our actions.
Get over our "feelings" and get down to the brass tax of things called the hard cold truth.
As sound minded complete independent adults, we play a part in our situations.
I am not a recovering iv meth user because my parents were emotionally unavailable and my siblings were self indulgent better then me roll models in my life. I was a meth addict because I chose to waller in my own self pity bile and stuck a needle in my arm. You know because my ex husband beat me and then took custody of my only daughter and my husband at that time was a pill head that made mine and our sons life hell. That's not their fault it was mine because I made a choice to stay when I should have packed up and left them.
We are all like this to a degree until we come to terms with the man in the mirror, drop to our knees and cry out to God to clean us up and give us the strength to face the ugliness of our human nature. We are like spoiled little children in the super market pitching a all out tantrum because we don't get our way.
I AM OVER IT.....
I am sick and tired of having put my time in faced my demons, humbled myself before courts man and God admitting my wrongs while being kicked and never one time whining because I am a victim of someone else. No one can make me a victim anymore... I have grasped the truth and held to that truth, I am the only one that can make me a victim. So I am not going to pass the blame and sherk my responsability, I am going to stand and say I choose to SURVIVE come what may.
Has society grown so narcissistic that we have lost the ability to look at ourselves with the slightest bit of honesty?
Its time to wake up, grow up, and start accepting responsibility for our actions.
Get over our "feelings" and get down to the brass tax of things called the hard cold truth.
As sound minded complete independent adults, we play a part in our situations.
I am not a recovering iv meth user because my parents were emotionally unavailable and my siblings were self indulgent better then me roll models in my life. I was a meth addict because I chose to waller in my own self pity bile and stuck a needle in my arm. You know because my ex husband beat me and then took custody of my only daughter and my husband at that time was a pill head that made mine and our sons life hell. That's not their fault it was mine because I made a choice to stay when I should have packed up and left them.
We are all like this to a degree until we come to terms with the man in the mirror, drop to our knees and cry out to God to clean us up and give us the strength to face the ugliness of our human nature. We are like spoiled little children in the super market pitching a all out tantrum because we don't get our way.
I AM OVER IT.....
I am sick and tired of having put my time in faced my demons, humbled myself before courts man and God admitting my wrongs while being kicked and never one time whining because I am a victim of someone else. No one can make me a victim anymore... I have grasped the truth and held to that truth, I am the only one that can make me a victim. So I am not going to pass the blame and sherk my responsability, I am going to stand and say I choose to SURVIVE come what may.
Reflection
I find myself looking around my world, asking myself.... how in the hell did I get here?
Even crazier then that is.... Holy Jesus, I survived that?
Life in the last week has caused me to do some reflection on my life, which I try not to do to often cause I always feel the need to drink smoke or take a pill. Not nesasaraily in tht order but I am sure you get my point. Then again thats what got me here. Realizing looking back over my life is like looking through a shattered mirror. Alot of brokeness with sharp rigid edges that only reflect a distorted beauty.
Even crazier then that is.... Holy Jesus, I survived that?
Life in the last week has caused me to do some reflection on my life, which I try not to do to often cause I always feel the need to drink smoke or take a pill. Not nesasaraily in tht order but I am sure you get my point. Then again thats what got me here. Realizing looking back over my life is like looking through a shattered mirror. Alot of brokeness with sharp rigid edges that only reflect a distorted beauty.
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