Shatter

Who am I behind this mask? I have worn it and so many that I have lost myself. For so long I never mattered but now I do and I am afraid Ill shatter. That once the illusion of my mask fades and the ugliness of my scares remain,,,, no one will love me beyound my hurt beyound myself. But still I hide in hopes one day my prince charrming will see beyound and see deep with in and see come what may of the woman in the mask. For her wounds are many and her scared are deep, So love her come what may even if the road is rough.

UNWELL

I want so much to not be unwell anymore. People treat me as if they are ashamed of me.... like the shame I hold inside isn't enough to bring me to my knees under its weight. They judge so harshly without ever knowing why there is this ugliness about me. People see the scars that have been left behind. The scars that have mutilated the beauty I once possessed. The same scars, that set me apart from others with knowledge that stole the last of my innocence. I wish on no one had to loose all of their innocence.... it is the last warm embrace you can take comfort in, that shields you from the icy grasp of a cold and cruel reality, we so loosely reefer to as our world. I speak not just for myself but for others that may not have the strength to look past the accusing and fearful stares of their co worker across the hall. Or the neighbors on your street whispering as you walk by. Simply because they came for you again and you did not go willingly. Because you know it's another week gone from what you love, from home, another sick leave. Just one more black mark against you in a game you were destined to loose.

God is there hope for me in this cruel and unforgiving world. Am I this way because that what you chose for me? Or have I ruined my mind with the choices Ive made? I know not the answer, but COME WHAT MAY... I will continue to search for you keeping my face to the heavens,,, praying one day not that I will be like everyone else but that others will accept me for who I am imperfectly....

                      THERE IS SO MUCH MORE TO ME THEN SOME CHOOSE TO SEE.

Weary

Life shouldn't be this hard. I am growing so weary in the fight. It seems with every blow its harder and harder to get up. The wounds are festering and the scares are plentifull. With every move I feel the pain from the relentless beatings of so many years. Now down, I dont know if I have the strength to get up one more time. I want so badly to surrender to this darkness that surrounds me, to numb the pains that are paralyzing. Everything in me is screaming for mercy, for the hurt to subside. The blows just come harder and faster as my faith is failing me. My world I worked so hard to overcome and build is being torn all apart, Why God, why me, why now? I believed in you, I never would have thought you would have forsaken me in one of my darkest hours. My life seems to have less and less meaning and I am wandering in the darkness alone. I fear what may come next, the death blow the end. I fear even more that I want so badly to welcome it. But my heart the core of who I am says with such faintness," get up...one more time...Come what may."

Life is Whats Happening

Its been awhile since my last post but that sometimes happens when you get busy with life. Someone texted me.... Life is whats happening when your making plans to live.... My reply was I am trying to find me again so I can get back to living. Alots changing these days and I don't know where life is leading me. These past few months have been filled with confusion, let downs, heart aches,  and a love that is being torn from my hands. Come what may I say... I know the truth lies somewhere down this road. When I hold my son fight back the tears of good bye during eskimo kisses. With tiny I love yous because the hurt is so heavy. The lies the anger flood through me at the moment of recognition that everything comes down to two thumbs together w a lil twist and my son knowing it will always be me and him. My daugther who I haven not seen or spoken to in over month, did not show today for what reason I do not know. My heart broke as I waited for maybe just one glimpse of her beautifull smile. Yet no one showed, no matter the prayers made or the tears of desperastion fell. My strength wants to leave me and how could I blame it? I have abused it torn it down and became something else. My only desire is to live a life of fullness glitz glamour and fame!! Yea right, I want a small country home so we can't loose each other in it. But something simple. Come what may..one more time. I am in love no matter if he loves me back. I need you to hold me I want you to hold me. I need you to need me not somewhere out of the darkness but in the light where we were ment to be.

I never saw this coming... do fairytales really happen? I feel like a little girl caught in a day dream of being a princess. Has my prince come to break my curse?  Can I just lay here in his arms as he kisses me so intimately forgetting the worries of the world.
Please dont let this be a dream.... I need you to be real. I never knew I could be this happy I never thought I could fall in love again. But here I am wondering if I have ever really been in love before. Iv never been treated so gently with such care.
Please dont let this be a dream.... Im falling in Love with you...
I wanted so badly to gaurd my shattered heart hide it away so no one could hurt me again, then u slid ur hand in mine touched ur lips to mine for a simple kiss.
Come What May....

Today is Good

 There is so much coming forth in my life that I always felt was out of my reach or really I never felt worthy of. I have allowed myself to walk in the darkness for so long that it chocked out all the light and life in my heart. The unimaginable became a reality over the years and I thought all hope was lost.
Then I came home to my Daddy......

 The nightmare is finally coming to an end. Iv rid my house of the snakes and set my eyes on God. I finally stood on the solid foundation of Jesus. No matter how hard the rain beats down or the thunder rolls while lightening crashes down around me, my foundation is not shook. So I say to the snake make your threats, throw the poison darts of guilt, aim for my heart, I don't fear you.

My son will be in my arms soon and then he will be coming home to stay and my family will be half way back together. Everything I have worked towards, I am reaping the rewards for never really giving up no matter the fight.
Also, I am learning to take things slow. Finding my way through the lies the snake told that I didn't realize were destroying me. I'm finding Love maybe...no..no... INTIMACY. That's what I have found. I am allowing myself to be lost in it for a moment because I deserve it.

Hmmm... Come What May...today is good.

Beauty from Ashes

When God takes the blinders off and you step back and view your world in truth and honesty. In the light off God. There is so much bull crap to be sorted through you almost dont know where to begin. All the brokeness and ashes. How could beauty ever rise up out of this mess that filth and torment has left in its path. Some things are easy to discard and throw aside.... to forget and forgive. Others, well those people and events they leave scars. Most of the scars superficial, time heals those and eventually they fade, but those ones that are deep and maybe festered by bitterness, unforgivness, and mostly confusion those...those change us forever and we see them ever time we look in the mirror and thats all we can see. Its so heart breaking to know how beautiful we once were how innocent. Our choices our situations our unforgivable past. How could we ever be beautiful again?
 Beacause God so LOVED me.......
That He never left me nor forsaked me, He just loved me thru it all and when I fell into my Daddys arms He held me close and whispered his promises to me while He applied His healing balm of grace, mercy, and forgivness to my wounds. So that today I stand before Him and the world a beautiful and dignified woman thats not held back by shame and guilt but an overcomer by His blood and my scars.
Thank you God for never giving up on me and leaving me to the ugliness of my scars. That all things work for Your good and for always giving me the strength to endure.....come what may.

Admist The Storm

Amidst the storm comes the blessings.......
My life has been a living hell the last two weeks. If the emotion exists I have been through it. Everything came to a head last night. I got very quiet yesterday during the day while dealing with the insanity I call a marriage at the moment, fear, frustration, anger, and every other life threatening emotion the human mind can take before literally snapping. I was going to explode. Being quiet was becoming less of an option. And I was desperately searching for the hand of God to grab a hold of before I was lost to the abyss of depression and bitterness. The anger started to whel up inside me and I knew if I didn't get to God I was going to lash out and have repercussions. I always do.
Then God showed up just as I was about to loose hope he reached out his hand pulled me safely into his lap and hid me away beneath the strength of His arms. He gave me rest quieted my mind and I found His peace. I rose with understanding, rejuvenation, and ready for another days battle. Its not my strength but his that will endure me to the end. This is my road to walk out to a destiny beyond my ability. But that's why its all about Him. He is such a beautiful and gracious God.
I know now that unless my husband must search out Gods face diligently to find me and my children that make his family. What completes his dreams is resting and patiently waiting in Gods hands. I know tho that no matter what my earthly husband chooses, my heavenly Father will continue to hold the children and myself in Hands, always watching over us as doeting Father does.
All seemed lost yesterday until I gave it all to my Daddy and simply rested in Him. Today.... Well its a new day, Come What May.

Blame Game

I grow so tired of people passing blame.
Has society grown so narcissistic that we have lost the ability to look at ourselves with the slightest bit of honesty?
Its time to wake up, grow up, and start accepting responsibility for our actions.
Get over our "feelings" and get down to the brass tax of things called the hard cold truth.
As sound minded complete independent adults, we play a part in our situations.
I am not a recovering iv meth user because my parents were emotionally unavailable and my siblings were self indulgent better then me roll models in my life. I was a meth addict because I chose to waller in my own self pity bile and stuck a needle in my arm. You know because my ex husband beat me and then took custody of my only daughter and my husband at that time was a pill head that made mine and our sons life hell. That's not their fault it was mine because I made a choice to stay when I should have packed up and left them.
We are all like this to a degree until we come to terms with the man in the mirror, drop to our knees and cry out to God to clean us up and give us the strength to face the ugliness of our human nature. We are like spoiled little children in the super market pitching a all out tantrum because we don't get our way.
I AM OVER IT.....
I am sick and tired of having put my time in faced my demons, humbled myself before courts man and God admitting my wrongs while being kicked and never one time whining because I am a victim of someone else. No one can make me a victim anymore... I have grasped the truth and held to that truth, I am the only one that can make me a victim. So I am not going to pass the blame and sherk my responsability, I am going to stand and say I choose to SURVIVE come what may.

Reflection

I find myself looking around my world, asking myself.... how in the hell did I get here?
Even crazier then that is.... Holy Jesus, I survived that?

Life in the last week has caused me to do some reflection on my life, which I try not to do to often cause I always feel the need to drink smoke or take a pill. Not nesasaraily in tht order but I am sure you get my point. Then again thats what got me here. Realizing looking back over my life is like looking through a shattered mirror. Alot of brokeness with sharp rigid edges that only reflect a distorted beauty.